People constantly espouse nonsensical guidelines for social interaction called "etiquette." I'm here to tell you that if you've got a smartphone, you can safely chuck any and all such rules out the window.
After all, you paid a lot for that fancy handset! You pay extra to get great broadband 3G or maybe even 4G services. You slave over what data to store on it and what ringtone to use. The device has probably become your official gateway to the world (the "world" being your social networks and all your methods of contact, including email, IMs, texts, and video chats).
Ignore those people who call you a raving, uncouth, ego-maniacal jerk. You own a smartphone, which makes you better than the rest. Between you and me, you're better than anyone else with another—and likely inferior—smartphone, too. While some may brand you a perpetrator of mobile scumbaggery for following the advice below, those of us that matter, well, we actually know you are. By following these tips, you'll definitely earn the right to be called a "mobile jerk." Embrace it, my smartphone-enabled jerk-pal. Embrace it.
1) The Call is All Important
Some might tell you that you shouldn't check to see who's calling, let alone answer calls or texts, while you're interacting with someone face-to-face. They say it's "rude," but they couldn't be more wrong. You can see friends and family any time, but that call might only come once! Multi-tasking and using your phone no matter where you are or who you're with is the only way to go.
2) Check in Everywhere
People like to know you're on the go, so if you're a FourSquare user, or you've embraced Facebook Places or other methods of posting your location to a social network, do so—constantly. From the moment you leave home in the morning until you return, check in everywhere you go. It's of the utmost importance to your lucky followers to know every single place you earn "mayor" status.
3) Auto-Correct is Correct
The smartphone's greatest contribution to society is arguably that you never, ever have to worry about spelling. The autocorrect feature of mobile OSs is near infallible, despite what those sites like DamnYouAutoCorrect.com imply. Mondays vs. manboobs, excitement vs. excrement... these are mistakes your phone won't make, so don't re-read what you typed. Just click send.
4) Trust in Gorilla Glass
What's tougher than the glass on the front of your slab smartphone? Answer: next to nothing. You could eat off of it, and in fact, in a pinch, the phone does make an excellent coaster. You can rest easy, knowing that you never need to use a case again. Throwing your phone in your pocket with your keys and spare change has never been safer.
5) Text While Driving
Guess what you can do legally while driving? Eat a big ol' sandwich! Clean your hand gun! Put on makeup. Okay, some of these things might be under the "failure to control" local laws, but why do lawmakers focus on texting. There are so many important things one needs to type while driving.
6) Skip the Security
You're not one of the thousands of people per day who accidentally leave a phone behind in a taxi, or at dinner, or even at the office. So you really don't need to activate that code-lock feature that would keep snoops off your phone. That goes double for turning on the free "find-your-phone" feature like Apple's cleverly named Find My iPhone app/service. You can also set up your phone to delete your data after several failed attempts to get in, but that would just make you paranoid, right?
7) Skip Backup
In keeping with the fact that you'll probably never lose your phone, why bother backing up the data? Just because people call smartphones "tiny handheld computers that store all your important data, like contacts, calendar, and more" doesn't mean you should treat it like a real computer. Who cares what's stored on there.
8) Access Company Secrets
Sure, you can access your company's servers at work, but what's really fun is being to access all those company secrets while you're on the road. Worry about a data breach? Nah. Again, you'd have to be paranoid to think that someone might bother reading over your shoulder, or go the extra distance of setting up a fake Wi-Fi hotspot, so when you connect, they can steal data. Seriously, would that happen outside of a movie with Jason Bourne fighting James Bond? C'mon.
9) View Naughty Bits on Company Equipment
Okay, why dance around it: porn sites are for everyone, and if you're traveling on the company dime, it's only right that you use your work equipment to access those sites. Who's going to mind, really. And so what if the head of IT notices your more tantalizing traffic patterns.
10) Speak Up! LOUDER!
The rule of thumb is that if you can't hear them, they can't hear you. So you need to yell into your phone. This is especially important if you're pissed off at the person on the other end. There's really no reason to physically move away from people around you when you do this; your nearby audience needs to see you're frustrated vocal antics to appreciate you.
11) Tag Everyone
Facebook tagging is how you prove you've got friends. You've got your phone with you all the time, so snap as many pictures of your drunk friends as you can and then upload them and tag each person. They (and their families and future employers) will appreciate you providing these online memories.
12) Use Unsecured Wi-Fi
You've read a lot about signing in to VPNs and using SSL encrypted Web sites when you're using a Wi-Fi hotspot, whether on a phone or a laptop. Those are precautions that will slow down your surfing and waste precious time, as you enter things like "passwords" and put that extra S on the end of HTTP. It's so tedious. What's life without risk?
13) Ignore the... Delay
Cell phone conversations don't always happen in real-time. At times, there's a delay between your finishing a sentence and the person on the other end hearing it. Sometimes it's slight and sometimes it lasts several seconds. Whatever you do, don't acknowledge it. Don't try to compensate for it by ending sentences definitively. It's better to trail off... and then talk over the person on the other side. You can always defend this by mentioning to the other person, "Your connection sucks."
14) Wear That Headset Everywhere
There's never been any question of the awesomeness of Bluetooth wireless headsets, since the dawn of the technology. They're cool. They're status symbols. And folks won't think you're a crazy person mumbling to yourself.
15) Never Turn Off the Ringer
It doesn't matter what the public service announcement at the movies says. Don't turn off your ringer. You don't want to miss a call even if it's during the biggest scene. This doesn't just go for movies, but also work meetings, restaurants, weddings, and funerals .
16) Take Advantage of Your Seat
The average person spends a good deal of time on the toilet (we're guessing). This is important time. Don't waste it. Smartphones make the bathroom the perfect place to catch up on correspondence, play games of Scrabble or Angry Birds, and return some calls.
17) Create Informative Greetings
When someone calls you and you can't answer, don't chance missing that important call. Make sure your voicemail greeting includes all the information you can blather, from other numbers to call to email addresses and even your home address. The caller is paying for the minutes used, not you, so who cares how long your greeting is? Make sure your callers know to leave a message at the sound of the beep. Answering machines have existed for decades, but you never know when you might get a call from the one guy who's never, ever left a message before.
18) Turn Up the Ringer
Ringtones have two jobs: to let you know who is calling and, more importantly, to inform you that you are indeed receiving a call. So make sure all tones on your phone are turned all the way up. Make them loud and play them proud. In fact, let your coolest ringtones play for a good long while. The people around you will find your choice of questionable song lyrics or stolen Family Guy dialog hilarious out of context.
19) Sext!
Do we have to say more? Sending naughty messages, pictures, or videos of yourself never got anyone in trouble! It's just good clean, dirty fun, right?
20) Fake the Dropped Call
Got the most annoying person in the world on the phone? Faking a dropped call might be why the cell phone was created in the first place. Whenever you want, you can easily just hang up, even mid-sentence, and simply not answer when he or she calls back. Simply blame your carrier (yes, even Verizon Wireless). I suggest carrying a little bit of plastic wrap with you to crinkle near the microphone to mimic static. Add this phrase to your arsenal: "Oh, sorry, tunnel coming up!"
For more tips on how to be a complete and utter jerk for the digital age, check out:
• How to Be a Jerk on Facebook
• How to Be a Jerk on Twitter
• How to Be a Jerk in E-mail