"Friends" are for social networks. But e-mail is for everyone, even enemies, frenemies, family, and co-workers, of course. E-mail remains the killer app of Internet communications for one reason: you can't really do anything wrong in e-mail. Seriously, follow these ten tips and you might end a marriage or two, lose your livelihood, or look like a complete and utter fool, but that won't be your fault. It's e-mail, where anything goes, you can do what you want, and so-called "netiquette" doesn't apply. Right?
Uh...okay. If you buy that, then keep reading, [insert insult here]. We're sure you'll take it all to heart.
1. Never BCC
You should always put every e-mail address in the "To" field, especially if you're mailing to your entire address list—and that goes double if you're at work. CC'ing folks only makes them feel unworthy. And using the BCC, well, that's just plain rude. Why not put it all out there? Don't you want all your recipients to be friends with each other?
2. Always "Reply All"
Remember that Super Bowl commercial where the guy was so upset that he might have done a "Reply All?" Such nonsense. It's best to click "Reply All" every single time, just to be sure you're covered. That way no one is ever left out. It's particularly important when you write a long-winded diatribe about the monumental stupidity of a cubicle neighbor…or your boss.
3. Write a Book
Do not keep to just one topic in an e-mail. What a waste. It's always best to fit in as many bullet points as possible. Better yet, eschew bullets for several paragraphs on several topics and clump them together into one gigantic über-missive. The greater the length, the more details, the more topics covered in the e-mail, the better. Bonus: Make the subject line of the e-mail a rant in and of itself.
4. Don't Sweat Infection
Sure, others may be chicken about getting a computer virus, but you're not as cowardly and stupid as them, right? Forgo the installation of anti-malware software and feel free to download and click those attachments. All of them. Especially the ones in spam. What's the worst that could happen? Maybe you will actually get some free "enhancement" pills.
5. Attach Big Files
Got a fantastic digital photo of your sleeping cat you want to share? Better yet, what about that 15 minute high-def video of your tirade about how Star Wars Episode 1 is an unjustly maligned piece of cinematic magic? Size doesn't matter, so just attach it to an e-mail. Your recipients will love the surprise of that endless download. That's certainly more personal than just putting it on Flickr or YouTube. And if you promise an attachment and forget it, don't worry, you won't look stupid. Much.
6. SHOUT IT, SHOUT IT OUT LOUD
LIFE IS TOO SHORT FOR THE SHIFT KEY, ISN'T IT? SERIOUSLY. conversely, skipping any capital letters is also a worthy option. the seconds you'll save yourself will be precious. BUT IF YOU HAVE TO PICK ONE, THE CAP LOCKS KEY IS YOUR FRIEND, I MEAN, ISN'T THIS GREAT? IT'S LIKE READING...BUT LOUDER.
7. Make Esoteric Signatures
The block of text at the end of your e-mail shouldn't just be just a dump for useful information like your name, title, e-mail address, and phone number. Treat it like a work of art: fill it with links (say to your Web site of cat photos) and emoticons and hell, go for the ASCII art of a raised middle finger. Another option is to embed a picture of you and your many cats to go along with the sig in every message you send. Best of all: ASCII art of you and your cats.
8. Pass On Problems
Everyone has a family member or co-worker who forwards on useful information on a constant basis. And that can and should be you. When you get warnings about wealthy foreigners who need help moving money, great opportunities to be a secret shopper or work from home, family members stuck overseas, or anything else you could debunk at Snopes.com (but seriously, who has time?), you should pay it forward to everyone you can. I'm totally positive they'll thank you later.
9. Spread Out Your Bad Self
There's a lot of ways to get an e-mail address. Collect all that you can—free Webmail accounts (everyone respects Hotmail accounts, after all), old ISP accounts (don't give up on AOL and CompuServe!), work accounts, alma mater accounts, etc. We have complete faith in your ability to know which you use for correspondence, newsletters, spam filters, etc. Consolidation is for the courts, not you.
10. Write When Enraged
You won't do yourself any favors by waiting to reply to a message that has you prepped to Hulk-out in barely-controlled fury. You need to get your lizard-brain thoughts down quickly, without thinking it through. It's called catharsis, people, look it up! To achieve full ablution of your ire, send that reply immediately. Whoever sent the e-mail that got you that POed (be it the company CEO, your in-law, or a soon-to-be-former significant other) will applaud your rash, from-the-gut response in which you question their intelligence, morals, and upbringing. It just the right thing to do.