Your cab driver hates you. Not to shred your self-esteem or anything, but let's just be honest here. He hates you. And now Uber and Spotify are going to make it so he has to play your Spotify playlist through his phone while he drives you around? Not really going to help the situation.
i just hope my uber driver is cool with slayer
http://t.co/gA2JMn9KRN
— ಠ_ಠ (@MikeIsaac) November 15, 2014Let's at least lay some ground rules here. There are certain songs you really, really should not play in an Uber car. Like songs that are directly targeted at your driver. The No. 1 song on this list is so bad that it's not even on Spotify. Spotify just saved you from yourself. And probably from your Uber driver.
10. Cabbies on Crack – Ramones
You probably don't want to start your ride by suggesting, even just musically, that your driver is on a highly addictive illegal substance. On the plus side, it's really hard to make out what Joey Ramone is saying so maybe he just won't be able to tell.
9. Red Light Indicates Doors Are Secured – Arctic Monkeys
By all means try to get six people in one cab. And then bring some food with you. While you're at it, why not tell the driver how you would have this great girl in a green dress with you, too, but two other guys at the bar bought her drugs so she went off with them. He wants to hear all about it.
8. The Spy in the Cab – Bauhaus
Sure, some Uber execs have been bragging about how Uber can track you all over town. But spying on you inside the car? Well, maybe. Still it's probably best not to mention it before you get to your destination.
7. Taxi – Harry Chapin
Oh, hey, Uber driver. No, I, um, don't recognize you. What? You say we used to date? And here you are. Driving an Uber. No, I know it's supposed to be a guaranteed $5,000 a month. But I, uh, read this thing and so we both know that's not true. So nope, nope I don't recognize you. Oh maybe that one time...did we hang out? Yeah, I'm getting out here, actually. Thanks.
6. Call a Taxi – Ini Kamoze
Subtly encourage your driver to break the law – "break red light and speed limit, man" – because you have a "session on the island." Whatever that means. "I'm not egotistical/I'm a just a-showing my potential." OK.
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5. Taxi Taxi – Cher
So the Uber driver is already playing your stupid Spotify playlist for you. And now you're going to demand "Sing to me like Pavarotti/Sing to me of Spain/Take me to your operetta/And make it rain"? That sounds like some surge pricing might be involved right there. Besides, years of karaoke research has shown that the only Cher song you should attempt to sing in public is "Gypsys, Tramps & Thieves."
4. Taxi Ride – Tori Amos
Tori, how about we just make it through this one taxi ride without making everyone feel like they want to kill themselves, OK? Just this one taxi ride. Oh, and way to criticize what kind of friend someone is and say they don't deserve a trust fund while you sit there and smoke all her cigarettes.
3. Cab – Train
There's nothing in this song that's offensive. Really this one just comes down to nobody ever wanting to hear Train. Any Train. Also, Train, how many modes of transportation are you trying to claim as your own?
2. Taxi Cab – R. Kelly
"Makin' love in a taxi cab" are pretty much the only words in this R. Kelly song. This is not going to get you a good Uber passenger rating. Even if you're R. Kelly. Especially if you're R. Kelly.
1. Black Cab – Jens Lekman
"And I've heard all the stories/'bout the black cabs and the way they drive/But if you take a ride with them/You may not come back alive/They might be psycho killers/But tonight I really don't care/So I say turn up the music/Take me home or take me anywhere." Ixnay on the illerkay while you're in the abcay.
Check out these songs (minus "Black Cab") on my Spotify playlist, as well as 17 Spotify Tricks That Will Make You a Streaming Samurai.